1.46 No Absolution

Disclaimer: Suicidal thoughts, one f-bomb, generally dark. I’m here to bring the cheer, me.


I’ve spent many years haunted by memories, the horrible things I’ve done. It seems I’ve finally escaped them. Because the only thing that keeps replaying in my mind over and over now is that moment when Cordelia showed up at the door, holding that weird llama statue. Funny how that works. She only said three words. Morgyn is dead.

I’m not sure how many days it’s been. Two? Three? It’s all been a hollow blur. I’ve only left the bed to shield from the light of day in my coffin. A part of me wishes I had the guts to just stay out in the sun, curtains open. Turns out I’m a coward.

I haven’t fed though. Might not have it in me to get scorched, but without blood, I won’t last long. Verena’s given me enough lectures on that over the years for me to know. So I wait.

The door opens. Damn it. I thought it was locked. I really have lost it, haven’t I? Cordelia enters with that sad face of hers. I feel the life pulsing through her veins.

“Get out!” I growl at her.

She’s looking at me, concerned. Not for herself, a very palatable human in the vicinity of a thirsty vampire, she’s concerned for me. I swear the girl has a death wish.

“They’ll be back.” She says weakly. “They said they would cheat death.”

She thinks that I was so in love with Morgyn, that that’s the reason for my state right now. It’s almost amusing, in a twisted, morbid way. Of course I don’t want Morgyn dead. But I didn’t want Carys dead either. And I cared for her much more than I ever did for Morgyn. It’s not really about Morgyn being gone, it’s about what they represented. The last sliver of hope to turn it all back again.

All of that just underlines what a monster I am. Not grieving my lost lover, grieving my own selfish hopes shattering. It’s pathetic. Cordelia had a vested interest of her own, but she doesn’t seem concerned about losing a way to address the sprites at all. Then again, she’s just in denial about the whole thing in general. Sure, Morgyn said they can supposedly bring the dead back from the living with their untamed magic. Pretty certain that would involve Morgyn actually being alive, though.

“Get out.” I repeat. But she doesn’t listen, coming closer to the bed instead. I cover my mouth with my hand as she sits down beside me, placing her wrist dangerously close to me.

“You look terrible.” She tells me. I don’t answer, I don’t want to set my fangs free. But I can’t help but stare at the veins in her pale neck. She notices.

“You’re hungry.” The way she’s looking at me is strange. Shy, but determined. And then she flicks her hair behind her shoulder. Damn her. I turn away from her, praying for her to leave.

“You need to feed, don’t you?” She leans in closer. “I… don’t mind. You can take some of my blood. I know you won’t hurt me.”

Definitely has a death wish. But her pulse is calling to me. I can almost taste the blood…

I turn towards her to tell her no. To tell her that I haven’t fed in days. That if I drank from her now, there is no way I would be able to stop. That she should get the hell out of my room if she knows what’s good for her.

But as soon as I remove the hand from my mouth, setting it free to speak, before any words even come out, my fangs already sink into her warm skin.

Forgive me.

I see her as a little girl, with her mother. I see her mother dying, surrounded by sprites. But after that…Her mind is like a goddamn rainbow. Everything’s brighter than it should be in her head.

I see her in Sylvan Glade with her elf friend. She feels protective of him. Like a little brother. Like the family she lost. Not sure he’d be happy about that.

I see Morgyn through her eyes. Doesn’t seem quite like the same Morgyn I knew, not the way she saw them.

And I see… me. She should hate me, but she doesn’t. She only sees good in me, the good that isn’t there.

I’ve only seen myself in the thoughts of my prey once. Come to think of it, it didn’t feel all that different. She was sweet and trusting, when she really shouldn’t have been. Cordelia’s memories are replaced by my own.

Her face appears in front of me as clear as if it was yesterday. Her eyes, her confusion, her sweet voice.

“Micah? You’re ok! When they said you’ve gone missing, I thought…”

She’s relieved to see me. Relieved I am “alive.” She radiates warmth, affection, life…

Of course, what happens next is no surprise. She leaps into my arms before I can stop it, pulling me close to her as tightly as she can. If only she hadn’t done that… but that wouldn’t have been her.

It’s intoxicating. We become one in a way we never have until now. Except that we’ve done this before, haven’t we? And I know how it ends. I can’t lose her again… I use all of my willpower to force myself to stop drinking, as excruciatingly hard it is to let go.

“Carys!” I cry out.

But it’s not Carys in my arms, it’s Cordelia. She’s lightheaded, barely conscious.

“Who is Carys?” She whispers before drifting away, passing out.

I can’t drink any more from her. I already took too much. But my thirst is still strong. I need to get out of here.

I speed out of the room, and out of the house, into the night.

My first thought as I exit the house is Sylvan Glade. But the elf said he didn’t have any more of that fruit yet. I’m not sure if I can handle that place anyway. It’s all too… everything. A beautiful illusion. No absolution for me there. No absolution for me anywhere.

I need to hunt. The bar seems like a good bet.

A young man walks out just as I approach.

He seems tipsy, barely able to walk straight. Perfect.

I seize my prey swiftly.

It’s… not what I expected. What the hell? Has everybody in Glimmerbrook dated Morgyn?

A woman’s voice reaches me through the blood-drunken haze. “Tomax, you forgot your-“

The girl freezes mid-sentence. Fuck. She’s seen me.

Come to think of it, so has he. I was so bewildered by what went down earlier I forgot all about vampiric allure.

I let go of the man instantly, and propel myself as far as I can as quickly as I can. The girl is too shocked to pursue me. I hear her tending to her friend back in the distance.

I hide in the woods for a good while before venturing back out. I take my time with finding more prey. I feed on two more – this time, I make sure I actually use the vampiric allure. Goes smoothly. But I know that what happened in front of the pub will have consequences. Not much I can do now, though.

I’ve finally fed enough to return home to check on Cordelia. She’s still in my bed, but she’s awake again.

She props herself up on the bed when she sees me. “Where did you go?”

“Hunting.” I sit down beside her. To my relief, she seems to be ok, considering.

“You should have drunk more from me.” She frowns.

“If I drank any more from you, I would have killed you.” I tell her flatly. Clearly she’s not taking the hint.

“The girl I saw… she was the one in your painting.” She says out of nowhere.

For a moment, I just stare at her.

“You saw my memory?” I manage eventually. That’s impossible… then again, maybe not.

I’ve never had my own memories interrupt those of my prey during feeding. But in that moment, the hunter and the hunted are closer than anyone. The only real intimacy a vampire can hope for… still doesn’t explain how she saw her, though.

“She loved you, didn’t she?” Cordelia’s voice is quiet. “What happened to her?”

“I drank more.” I cut off the questions with the harsh truth.

She finally gets the message, her face freezing in shock. I get up to leave her on her own, let her process this.

At least she now knows what I really am. It will stop her from making stupid decisions like offering her neck to me on a silver platter, especially after I hadn’t had blood for ages. Not that there will be many opportunities for that. I can’t stay in Glimmerbrook now, not after I’d been seen feeding.

But maybe I can help Cordelia first. Maybe I can even help me. Now that I’ve fed, I can finally see clearly for the first time since she got back.

I turn back to her. “I don’t think Morgyn’s just coming back.” I inform her.

She doesn’t say anything. The way she looks at me now is different. Scared. The way she saw me when Verena first brought her to my room.

“But supposedly untamed magic can bring the dead back, if the spell is cast soon enough after their passing.” I continue. “Morgyn told me themself. Obviously Morgyn’s not here to cast any spells. But maybe someone in the magic realm can. One of the sages, maybe?”

“If the spell is cast soon enough?” Cordelia asks. She still looks very pale.

“Before the soul moves on to… wherever they go.” I repeat what I learned from Morgyn at the botanical gardens.

“Do you think Morgyn’s moved on?” She looks as if she’s about to cry. I think it’s only just hit her that they’re gone. And that she’s stuck living with a murderer.

“I don’t know.” I consider it. Morgyn definitely wasn’t somebody that was eager to welcome death. Heck, they were making sure they didn’t even age a single day. Would they move on to the afterlife swiftly? “No. I don’t think so.”

“Then let’s go to the magic realm.” She blurts out, completely disregarding her current condition.

“You’ve lost a lot of blood.” I remind her. “You need to rest. We’ll go tomorrow night.”

I stand back up again and head for the door, to finally get some time with my own thoughts, but she stops me.

“No.” She looks directly at me, filled with sudden resolve. Her fear seems to be gone, or shoved aside, more like. Maybe she really is crazy.

“You just said the spell needs to be cast quickly. We’ve already lost several days between Morgyn dying and now.” She goes on. “Maybe it doesn’t make a difference… but what if it does, and the moment to save them slips through our fingers? I don’t want to spend the rest of my life wondering what if. We need to go now.”

Of course, what she’s describing already is my life… Or rather, this miserable eternity that can’t really be called living. But let’s just say she’s made a pretty clear point. The last thing I want is to sentence her to anything remotely like my sorry existence.


22 thoughts on “1.46 No Absolution

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  1. I am really making an effort to write my message in the right thread today 🤨

    It was like I wrote yesterday. With Morgyn’s death, Micah lost his chance to get his life back. His depression clearly shows how big a loss it is. He is so drained and far out that he is unable to protect himself.

    Dear sweet Cordelia. She offers her own blood without fear. I have no words for how lovable I think she is 🥰
    …..Someone might say naive.
    I understand why she created the disorder in Morgyn’s self-control and why they could not let her go.
    She also creates disorder in Micah’s will and gets his decision to commit suicide thwarted ❤

    I love the memories that reveal themselves before my eyes. Micah starts reading Cordelia’s memories and suddenly it changes. He sees his own tragedy and Cordelia sees it too.

    The chapter ends with a hope that as long as these two collaborate, they can perform miracles.
    But can they really bring Morgyn back to life? 🤔
    If not then I think there are other great things waiting behind the depression and all the darkness…..

    I just have to believe it! ❤

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Yeah you were spot on, there went all of Micah’s hopes. And the person he was dating – as much as he’s claiming it’s not about that.

      Yes, Cordelia is naive and trusted Micah a bit too much. Though perhaps there’s something else to it as well. But definitely that hopeful innocence of Cordelia’s is what Morgyn found the most appealing about her, as they described a few times. And yes she halted Micah’s grim plans – though it almost cost her her own life.

      Micah’s memories broke my own heart a little – I didn’t always plan to do a flashback for him but decided it made sense here, so Carys had to come to life for a brief moment. She was rather lovely.

      We shall see how they fare in the magic realm…

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Isn’t Micah just a ray of light? I actually mean that. He’s so wonderful underneath all of his conflicted vampirism. But of course it had to be Grace who saw him feeding. Oh dear.

    Interesting that Cordelia’s mind is like a rainbow. And the girl really has no concept of what’s good for her, does she.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Micah, the ray of light, sure 😀 But yeah, he is pretty wonderful, I love him. Might even be my favourite at the moment because I’m so fickle hahaha.

      Grace practically lives at the bar, so the likelihood of her being around was pretty high. But even if she hadn’t seen Micah, Tomax most definitely did.

      She does not. One might almost say she gravitates towards the opposite of what’s good for her…


  3. Uh oh. They saw and remembered Micah, and Cordelia has already explained to Grace that there was a vampire living among them. And she’s a spellcaster, too. That can’t end well. I wonder if those two have the ability to rile up people enough that they’d come after Micah…

    Cordelia is too pure and naïve for her own good. Even with Micah flat-out saying that she would have died if he had drank anymore, she still only sees the good and ignores the danger. She could have died there and it takes Micah throwing the fact that he killed Carys just like that in her face for that truth to finally land. I wonder if she’s shut her mind off from everything bad. Maybe that’s what she does to cope with everything. Because if she lets in the bad, she’ll have to face the fact that Morgyn is really dead, and a host of other things that I think she still hasn’t dealt with.
    No wonder her mind looks like a rainbow to Micah. If she represses everything, a too-bright rainbow is all you’re left with.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. You’re right, Grace can definitely put to and two together. As for riling people up, that’s hard to say, but she do know she has a lot of friends and acquaintances and is generally well-liked, so would definitely have an easier time convincing people than most if that’s what she chooses to do.

      That’s great analysis! Cordelia is definitely in a state of denial, at the very least at the moment, and about the events in Selvadorada. Whether that’s how she deals with everything… well, we’ve seen plenty of how she addresses negative experiences in previous chapters.


  4. 😶 i think theres more to Micah’s grief. He thinks he’s solely devastated about losing his chance at a vampiric cure, but you don’t come out of a relationship where you bared your soul without losing a piece of yourself in the process, regardless of how shallow he thinks it was. And it wasn’t shallow at all. 😐

    Also I really like how you wrote this chapter! Even his sentences are cut short from the intensity of his emotions. His denial and anger and numbness punctuating everywhere in his thoughts and speech. It’s so intense that even reading this chapter I feel detached from him. Pretty sure that’s how he feels too.

    But Carys. Geez so sweet. 😢 I can see why Micah feels so much guilt over her.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Absolutely, very well put. Micah is well practiced in telling himself that he’s a vampire monster that doesn’t care about anyone. Even if you go back to the botanical gardens “date” with Morgyn, he told them that he cared about Carys, but didn’t love her. You be the judge of whether that’s true. But yeah, his relationship with Morgyn was definitely not as surface level means to an end setup as Micah likes to tell himself.

      Thank you! I’m glad his way of thinking came through 🙂

      Omg I know 💔 She was incredibly sweet and lovely. I kind of just want to start an AU side save where she’s alive and still living in her little studio flat and arranging flowers and going for long walks to Myshuno Meadows 💔


  5. Aww, poor Micah and Carys. This breaks my heart, I really hope Micah learns to cope with his demons. There is no bringing Carys back and feeling such deep guilt and self-loathing will not help her come back. It’s like he’s afraid to let go of it, like in order to mourn her he has to stay in this deep pit of depression. I do think that he probably cared for Morgyn more than he is letting on.

    Do vampires get insatiable thirst in your story when they don’t feed for a while? Or can they just choose not to feed and wither away as Micah had planned? It was just a question that popped in my head when I was reading this.

    I like this duality between Micah and Cordelia. Micah represents negativity and is surrounded by this darkness (due to his depression and his guilt). Cordelia, while her life hasn’t been all sunshine and rainbows, represents optimism and light. Both are also blinded by these qualities. Micah can’t stop his negative thoughts and it’s like an endless dark hole of negativity that he gets sucked into. Cordelia chooses to see only the good, and this blinds her and makes her naïve and too trusting. I think that each could learn a little from the other, and it’s probably good that Morgyn brought them together. For all the crummy things Morgyn has done, this was probably one of the best things they did, and I think Morgyn knew that.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Ugh, I know. Yes, seems that way. And you’re right, Micah definitely likes to tell himself he cares about people in general a lot less than he really does. Makes it easier to cope.

      Well, they do and they don’t. The blood directly gives them life force and vampiric energy, so if they don’t drink for a while, they become too weak to go out hunting – like we see here with Micah, looking all dried up and half dead. So staying in a locked room on their own could definitely result in their eventual death because they’ll just run of the thing that keeps their bodies animated. Vampires can unlock doors with their mind/powers, so technically the thirst could get stronger than conviction there, but that’s only while they still have enough life force, so there’s likely a short tipping point when their self-preservation might win over will, but it’s only short because it would directly correlate with them still having energy to do that – Micah had likely passed that point here.

      Of course, with Cordelia walking right in and pretty much serving herself up, that is something that would be uncontrollable in a thirst-ridden state, so of course Micah could not resist that (most vampires in that situation would likely have pounced on her the second she sat down on the bed).

      I’m glad you noticed! Yes, Morgyn did mention in their first person chapter that they hope the two learn from each other. After all, while Morgyn did intend to give them both a new home, it wouldn’t have been particularly difficult for Morgyn to house them separately.

      Liked by 1 person

  6. Micah’s depressions run quite deep…
    Eh and call me cold, but I’m kinda glad he’s more worried that with Morgyn his chance for a normal life disappeared instead of Morgyn’s dead. Yeah I’m glad Morgyn did not have so much influence over him 🙈
    But then also it is Micah’s perspective, and who knows how reliable are his own explanations of his feelings?

    Cory is clearly in shock. And she needs to talk about Morgyn so badly, and Micah is kinda the only person that may understand…

    Grace seeing Micah drinking from someone may cause some unexpected complications tho 😈

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Micah will always tell you (and himself) that he doesn’t care about anyone, whether that’s true is up to you to decide. I doubt he’s completely unaffected, but yes, Morgyn’s death means he lost much more than just a romantic flame; after all, Micah put pretty much all of his money on the sage’s vague promise of maybe possibly helping him regain humanity. Aand you’re right, his depression goes far beyond the loss of Morgyn, and even the loss of a potential vampire cure. He was certainly not a happy go lucky dude even before Morgyn and Cordelia ever crossed paths with him.

      Yep, Cordelia is very much in denial. Which is probably to be expected, especially with how we saw her handle the aftermath of the vampire trauma.

      I’m sure that won’t complicate anything at aaaall….. 😀


      1. oh I just noticed it looks as if I think he didn’t care about Morgyn at all xD no, that’s not what I meant. But it doesn’t seem as if he was in love, like Cory, and I’m glad about that.

        Liked by 1 person

  7. Disclaimer: Suicidal thoughts, one f-bomb, generally dark.

    *crunches popcorn in Dolly*

    (Funfact: I glossed over the single F-word and had to go back to find it. WHICH SHOULD EXPLAIN SOME THINGS.)

    So my gut reaction to Micah’s angsting over how he can’t control himself was to roll my eyes, because I connected it to this passage in Why Does He Do That?:

    “Anyone who believes that abusers lose control of themselves should peer through the window when the police enter a home.”

    But then again, I can appreciate the nuance of him being an… obligate simavore. In either case, we do get evidence that he can control his desire to feed, even though it’s difficult, and I’m not inclined to trust Micah’s self-perceptions or assessment of his own behavior/emotions in the first place.

    Cordelia, though, knocking it out of the park with the understanding of spirits and game mechanics. I respect her call here above Micah’s flat “they’re gone.”

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Well I’m glad the F-bomb didn’t stick out like a sore thumb, it wasn’t meant to 🙂 I tend to gloss over swearing too, but did disclaim it, for the benefit of someone who might go “crikey, they did not talk like this before” 😀

      I’m sure Micah would love the abuser narrative, goes well with his perception of himself as a monster. I’m not sure if you’re referring to Cordelia or Carys here with the control, if you mean broadly speaking, yes of course he has more self-control now than he did as a new vampire, which is the whole reason he is able to feed on people without killing them.

      Haha I think Cordelia’s determination over Micah’s here is probably a reflection of how hopeful each of them get about anything.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Broadly speaking, yeah. I honestly don’t know whether he gets points for recognizing he’s a monster: he’s worlds ahead of Verena, for sure. Maybe I’ll sit back and watch the vampire people have this discussion.

        … are we allowed to swear here? Is this a place where we can swear? I mean, you did mention Rocky Horror a while back, so I assume you can handle a room full of people wearing fishnets and screaming insults.

        Liked by 1 person

        1. Well I’m glad you at least think he’s slightly better than Verena who straight up murders people and doesn’t have a problem with it, lol. Hers is probably the mindset you’d have to adopt to become a several centuries old vampire in the first place, either you’d stop seeing people as people, or you’d likely end up offing yourself out of guilt. Micah is currently more on the path towards the latter.

          For me personally I don’t see vampires as an allegory for abuse, I see it more in line with people eating, you have to do it to stay alive. They can control their thirst about as much as we can control being hungry – after some time of not eating, you have to. An abuser doesn’t “have to” act the way they do, even though they might claim otherwise, what they get out of it is feeling power over somebody else, but it’s not exactly what they need to live. But feel free to interpret them however you see fit, I’m all for killing the author, it’s my preferred way of reading too 😊

          Haha sure you can swear! And now I’m sad because you reminded me that the prospect of being in a theatre filled with people wearing fishnets and yelling insults is not happening anytime soon.


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